Indulgence
by Nightgem
Summary: *ME3 Spoilers* Because Shepard is only human, and everyone cries.


Shepard lived for others. She lived in the back alleys of Earth as a child, protecting the younger ones and eating only after all the others were fed. She joined the Alliance and was a shield for her squad, saving them over and over again. Then she saved the universe, and her reward was death. Cerberus brought her back to fight, only to fight, and she did just that. She was determined to be what everyone needed, and even her friendships came only out of the necessity of bonds during war. Shepard, on and off the battle field, was perfect for everyone else.

And then she fell in love. Thane was as intelligent as he was strong, with experiences and memories that were tragic and beautiful in turns. She didn't stand a chance. The hum of the Normandy's engine and the crisp air of Life Support filtered in their conversations, making what she would otherwise disbelieve later as wishful thinking very real. He told her of the life he'd lived, the life that illness would soon end. Then, one day, he promised the rest of his life to her.

She knew it wouldn't be a promise he had to keep long. Logically, she understood, but it seemed so far away, a disease she couldn't see or hear. If she couldn't shoot it, Shepard didn't know how to deal with it, and so she simply didn't. She wasn't sure either of them would live long enough to anyway.

Until the day that she did. Until, after months apart, she met him again at the hospital. He told her of his pain, of the need for daily medications and the clock that was ticking. And despite wishing to visit every day, to be with him as much as she could, Shepard left. She had a galaxy to save and people that needed her even more than he did. She couldn't give herself more than a moment's allowance.

Then she watched him be the man he truly was. She watched him, even in the throes of illness, save a woman from the most frightening assassin Shepard had ever seen, and she watched the wounds it cost him. She watched him at the hospital, coughing with minutes left of life, and she read to him his book of prayers until she watched him die. Her heart shattered, but even then, she continued on and never shed a single tear.

She stopped terrorists and thieves, found cures for poison and relics to uplift the races that were losing hope. She had lunch with a friend and shot bottles from the top of the Presidium, and laughed while doing it all. Then, finally, she went to her cabin and read through the messages she so rarely had time to check now a days.

And when she saw it, time stopped. A message from him, the one she had lost, so eloquently written just as he would speak to her. She could hear his throaty voice in her head, whispering the words to her, knowing exactly what they would do to her. He knew her better than anyone, and she had forgotten that.

It was then, for the second time his fault, Shepard let herself indulge. She rose without a word and silently headed to Life Support, waving off anyone who tried to speak with her. She locked the door behind her, and walked over to the table, and sat in the seat he always took. She laid her head down, breathed in the crisp air, and sobbed. Tears fell from her eyes and her ribcage shook, the words _I love you_ burned into her mind. No one would ever call her Siha again. No one would ever again look at her and see as far into her soul as there was to go. There was no one else who knew she cried.

After a while, when her breathing steadied and the shaking was gone, she rose. She thought of all the things she would have said to him if they'd had the time, all the things they could have talked about. She used the reflection of the window to fix the little makeup she wore and stared at herself until her eyes were no longer red and puffy. It was only when she looked like a Commander again that she turned away from the window, taking deep breaths as she went to unlock the door and join the world again. She had no idea how long she'd been in there, and doubtless there was some crisis that demanded her attention. Once she opened that door, she promised herself, she wouldn't think of him again. Not until the Reapers were defeated and Earth was safe.

One final thought passed through her head before the door opened, and she made good on her word to forget it all: _"I hope he knew that I loved him too."_


End file.
